Why Do I Want to Die So Badly?
Question by Amok: Why do I want to die so badly?
I’m 17. I’ve had extremely intense suicidal urges, issues with self loathing and rock bottom self esteem and crippling depression for as long as I can remember…I believe since the age of 4. I have NO CLUE what the root of these God awful mental issues are, and since my parents refuse to take me for professional help even despite telling them I had a contestant desire to die. So I need your help pinpointing the cause of this.
My parents never abused me. We live in a happy functional and well off household, no issues with drugs or alcohol, not religious zealots or anything. I never suffered any intense emotional trauma or great personal loss of any kind. Besides my mental issues I am very healthy. I’m a good student and I have plenty of wonderful friends who care about me very much (hence why I’m reluctant to commit suicide). So there’s absolutely no cause that I can think of.
But I HATE myself. I don’t know why. I recognize that I’m a decent guy. It’s gotten a lot worse lately because my girlfriend, who I loved deeply and was completely devoted to, dumped me and got with a new guy in less than a month who she now claims she is in love with. That completely ripped apart my self esteem and desire to live. I know I’ll find someone who appreciates me someday, yadda yadda, but what does it matter if I’ll never love myself?
Please help me fix what’s wrong with me. Why do I feel this way? I’m grateful, just unhappy and strongly suicidal.
Best answer:
Answer by Liz
Maybe they think you are just exaggerating, because they can see no reason for this to happen. I think you should insist on seeing a professional – like a form of insurance, because they will be the ones that suffer most if they lose you. I think some people are prone to these sort of feelings for whatever reason. Maybe your parents think it would be shameful to have it known that their son was mentally ill, who knows? Remind them that they are not experts and insist on seeing someone.
Love and hugs
Liz
Answer by austin m
You need to find yourself. You need to look inward and realize that there is nothing to hate. Girls are complicated and illogical creatures sometimes, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t be. Trust me… I’ve been where you are… I was with a girl for a long time. She and I were even looking at engagement rings and houses… She turned on me and abandoned the relationship.. I didn’t eat, barely slept, and quite often took long walks pondering how I’d end my pain.. I had been screwed up enough to begin with, without her walking out… I used to be so passive about death.. wishing for no reason at all that a semi-truck would lose control and hit me head on while driving to school. But there are many things in this world that none of us realize until we finally hit rock bottom.. I know that it seems all like words now, but this happened to me less than a year ago.. I am 19 years old. I grew up with no more family issues than anyone else. I was the god of my school. My friends loved me, many looked up to me, I was popular, and I had everything… and yet it felt like I had nothing. Like all I was doing was wearing a mask that showed what everyone wanted me to be, what they expected of me. You need to take a step back. You need to find something for you to accomplish. Something you want to do for yourself that doesn’t involve anyone else. Something that when you finish it, you will realize that it’s not worth it to hate yourself. You have to show yourself that there is so much to be had, even if it means you are alone. Living and walking, talking, breathing, and being happy independently of anyone is what you need to do first. If you can’t be happy with yourself, you can’t truly make anyone else in your life( girlfriends) happy. Be whole and complete and then find someone to share that with. Your life is worth so much and it is very much complete even though a girl isn’t in it. It’s not a matter of filling a hole in your life or a matter of finding a missing puzzle piece. You figure out who you are, be that person, better that person, and then share it with someone who will appreciate and love you for it. I promise you that it’s out there. It takes a little effort in the beginning, but then the little pieces of your life will fall back into place and you will be happy. I promise you that. It takes effort to hate yourself… I know how it feels to not care whether you live or die, but trust me when I say that living is far grander than death. It’s a test we face in hardship, but you need to put your faith in yourself and God. I am no religious zealot, but I still recognize that He’s there. Have faith that you will find your path. Be strong. And always look ahead.. never down.
I hope this finds you well my friend. I hope you find your path. I can already tell you have the strength.
Austin
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