Marriage: Control Struggle and How to Become More Significant to My Significant Other. (Read Story Inside)?

Question by arcaneview: Marriage: Control struggle and how to become more significant to my significant other. (read story inside)?
Let me run you up to speed… Met wife in 2001 when I was 19, her 20… We both are Cancers (stubborn and sensitive creatures)… When we first met I had a spending issue and would impulse buy a lot of stuff… I was forced to pass financials to her… We now have 2 kids and I work a 44+ hour job… Over the 8 years she had to make a lot of the decisions because I was never around to make them so she controlled the financials and she controlled the “pants in the relationship”… During 6 of the 8 years, she was a stay at home mom and could handle her responsibilities without causing us to be delinquent on our bills and without causing any issues controlling the household… She recently got a job working a 31 or less hours and that turned EVERYTHING upside down for her…

Issue: We still have the same credit card debt from a year or two ago (which is why she started working was to pay it down), we have debt collector’s calling so I’m assuming we’re behind on something, our children are not obeying us or their teachers, I’m feeling worthless like I have no need to come home except to watch the kids, we’re fighting over EVERYTHING (especially how little time she’s spending with me), and she has gained my spending habits that I had 8 years ago…

Solution I’d like: Now that I’ve grown up I’d like to be the head of the household and try something new with my family. My wife is standing her grounds and not willing to hand over the financials and not willing to let me make important decisions in the household… Basically, she wants me to just continue being her work horse and have no responsibilities in the household… I feel worthless and want to feel involved some how but when she says I can “help” with financials she only has me watch but does it all without much talking… The kids go to bed at midnight most nights and there’s no structure in the household and she’s refusing for me to create structure because she knows it would affect her habits too (internet addiction, insomnia, gossiping on Facebook)…

I know I can handle the responsibility of managing our money and managing the household (in a positive for everyone way) and I want to prove it to her but she’s not giving me the opportunity because of a 8 year old grudge and because she’s not trusting… She doesn’t have the time for these responsibilities though because she’s busy taking the kids to soccer, dance, and hanging out with her friends IRL or on Facebook…

Help me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Best answer:

Answer by j8ang??a?
Make time to spend with her, and tell her how much you appreiciate her hard work and all that she does for the kids.
Remember why you fell in love with her,
the key to a relationship is Communication,
tell her how you feel if the control issue is bother you or anything. There has got to be communication.
Try maybe before leaving the house (supposing you leave before she wakes) a rose on her pillow or something like that.
Help her a little with the kids, maybe go to a practice with the kids and her if you get a chance.

Theres a really great book i am reading, it is called the Love Dare from the movie fireproof, and it dares you to do something (to spouse) and
it has really helped my marriage. Just an idea.

Best wishes.

Make time =) and dont just go through the motions but put your heart in it when you do something for her.

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3 Responses to Marriage: Control Struggle and How to Become More Significant to My Significant Other. (Read Story Inside)?

  • pat z says:

    She’s not GIVING you the opportunity!?!
    How about stepping up and taking your responsibilities around the house?
    Watching the kids is something; it is not enough. You are their father; you can bring some much needed structure to their lives. You can make sure they’re fed, bathed, have done their homework, have laid out their clothes for the following day and are in bed at a “decent” hour. You can prepare their evening meal, pack their lunches for school the next day, and so on.
    Yes, you are working very hard outside your home (is there any way to reduce the 44+ hours? What kind of “free” time do you have, if any?). Your wife is also working outside the home — as well as running the kids to dance, soccer and so on. Caring for your children is a two-person “job” (24/7, 365 days a year, no vacation, no sick leave).
    Any time you contribute to easing the “burdens” at home frees up time for your wife to spend with you. (You could ask a family member or trusted friend to babysit occasionally so you and your wife could have a “date” without the kids and rediscover why you fell in love and married in the first place.)
    Once your wife sees that you are willing and able to take the initiative and to do so without having to be directed, maybe she will be more willing and open to your taking on a greater share of running the family.
    I suspect because of your history, she may be nervous about turning over the finances (her newly acquired spending bad habits notwithstanding). That’s one subject to tackle in couples counseling which I can’t recommend highly enough. Another is to learn how to communicate with each other so that you both feel you are heard and respected without judgments, accusations, etc. — in other words adult to adult as equals.
    Good luck.

  • sheloves_dablues says:

    You don’t need her permission to participate in your own marriage and family.

    Stop talking about how responsible you can be and just start doing it.

  • thesituation0o0 says:

    ROFL! first?

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