Does Adoption Agencies Tell the Natural Mother How Society Feels About Natural Mothers?

Question by parenting is an option II: Does adoption agencies tell the natural mother how society feels about natural mothers?
Or do agencies only feed the natural mother how she is selfless and doing a great thing?

Do agencies counsel about how a relinquishing mother will feel?

What does an agency counsel these women on?

What goes through a natural mothers head? Pity for the adoptive parents? Scared of responsibility? Pressure?

Why would anybody want to pressure a woman to relinquish?

Best answer:

Answer by cantstopLinnyG
Agencies only feed the natural mother how she is selfless and doing a great thing. Yup. They also tell her she will “forget” about her child, and that she is doing the best thing for her baby.
http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_facts/adoption_coercion.html

Agencies would NEVER tell a first Mom what she and her child will go through. If they did, NO woman would EVER relinquish a child again.

An agency who gives “counsel” to a first Mom is like a child sex offender having a sleep over for boy scouts. It’s predatory, and immoral, plain and simple.

Confusion goes through a Mother’s head. When there is coercion going on such as pre-birth matching or “counseling” from the agency, it makes her even more confused, and more pressured to do what OTHERS think is the best for her.

Why would anybody want to pressure a woman to relinquish? Umm, cash. Plain and simple. Adoption is a billion dollar a year industry. Newborns= mass amounts of money.

***ETA*** for Mandy.
You wrote: “I gave the gift of a child to a wonderful, loving couple who were unable to conceive a child of their own. I knew that when my child was born, I would not be able to give him the life he deserved. I also knew that my decision held very difficult consequences that I would have to work through on my own. It was not the responsibility of the adoption agency to counsel me”
Wow. As an adoptee, I believe I deserved my Mother. I didn’t want “things”, I wanted HER. Yes, there are “consequences” you would have to work out through your own, but what about your child? How disrespectful.

“Adoption is different now than it was twenty years ago. Perspective adoptive families are subject to much more now than years ago”. Are you KIDDING me??? Babies go to the highest bidder. Period.

“I felt no pity for anyone.” It looks to me like you did. Saying things like, “I gave the gift of a child to a wonderful, loving couple who were unable to conceive a child of their own.” EXCUSE ME??? Adoptees are NOT gifts. We are human beings who are hurt from the premature disruption of the mother- child bond. “Gift” is a perfect example of an agency line, one they use to coerce.

“And the decision to place my baby in the hands of a more able family was all my own. Adoption can be a wonderful thing and any woman who is strong enough to give their child a chance at a better life should be commended.”

“More able family???” Another example of buying into the agency lies. If you were not a drug user, and you did not abuse your son, NO one is more “able” or “deserving” to raise him than you.

My heart breaks when I read stuff like this. You really have NO clue, do you? Adoption does NOT always give a child a better life, only a different one.

Please get some help. Your son WILL want to know you some day, and not just through letters and pictures sent through his adoptive parents. You’ll hurt him if you call him a gift.


http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_facts/adoption_coercion.html
http://www.nancyverrier.com/pos.php
http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org
http://www.amfor.net/acs
http://www.origins-usa.org
http://www.babyscoopera.com
http://www.keepyourbaby.com/the_primal_w…
http://www.thegirlswhowentaway.com/

Add your own answer in the comments!

 

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9 Responses to Does Adoption Agencies Tell the Natural Mother How Society Feels About Natural Mothers?

  • Besura says:

    I asked my sons mom what they “counseled” her on and she said that even though our SIM live with us for 6 months and they had never me him, us and it was the first time meeting his parents, that they found a “better match”. Of course they were people who wanted to adopt through them. They don’t like private adoptions, cuts into their profits.

    They told her about social programs, all that she already knew about.

    I think the who thing was disturbing to them. She said she just nodded and it went in one ear and out the other.

    They did not benefit from them relinquishing because we had to pay for the BPA no matter what and it wasn’t revealed weather or not they were recommending adoption for him until after we completed the home study too. I think the pressure came with trying to get them to choose other parents so they can obtain the placement fee and higher placement numbers.

    I don’t think anyone can say how anyone else will feel about relinquishing. I think they should have to connect possibly relinquishing mother with volunteers who have actually done it.

  • mandyntc says:

    So…how does society feel about natural mothers who place their child for adoption? I gave the gift of a child to a wonderful, loving couple who were unable to conceive a child of their own. I knew that when my child was born, I would not be able to give him the life he deserved. I also knew that my decision held very difficult consequences that I would have to work through on my own. It was not the responsibility of the adoption agency to counsel me. They have to be sure the home they are placing a child into is acceptable.

    Adoption is different now than it was twenty years ago. Perspective adoptive families are subject to much more now than years ago. I chose the family my son was going to be placed with. He is 8 1/2 now and I still receive regular photos and updates on how he and the rest of the family is doing- from his parents. He is aware of me and his siblings and I know that what I did has greatly improved his quality of life.

    I felt no pity for anyone. I was recently free from a very abusive relationship when I found out I was pregnant and had three children to care for on my own. I was not afraid of responsibility. I wanted the best for ALL of my children. And the decision to place my baby in the hands of a more able family was all my own. Adoption can be a wonderful thing and any woman who is strong enough to give their child a chance at a better life should be commended.

  • Sarah says:

    In Australia, they try to encourage people to parent their own child. Mandatory counseling is taken place, so the mother knows what can happen through adoption, emotion wise, etc. And about other government supports that can assist them if they choose to keep the child instead.

    Generally, though, honestly, if someone was already in a dilemma not knowing what to do and confused and already distressed and upset, it’s only normal for one to tell someone that they’re doing the right thing/comforting them instead of criticizing them.

    I guess what goes through a mother’s head, would really depend on the circumstance that brought upon the idea of adoption.

    It could well be pity, scared of responsibility, pressure, pain, etc etc etc. It would really depend on the individual.

    I guess some would pressure either, because it may well be a business to them or bias. Some people will recommend it due to the mother’s age, circumstance, etc.

  • kitta says:

    One selling point is that “adoption has changed.” This implies…less pain.

    This was a selling point back in the mid to late 1980’s when open adoption first began. Agencies were pushing the “openness” and the “choices” that supposedly made adoption “different” from the 1960s.

    In the 1960s, there were some agencies that offered mothers choices,different adoptive couples were described, and supposedly this made the whole thing less painful.

    It is painful…choosing someone from a profile, or being matched with a couple doesn’t take away the loss of the child.

    Agencies are always in business, and that is what it is about.

    ETA: counseling is supposed to be “non-directive” and unbiased…by law. Agencies offer services and “help” to mothers.Offering help to parents and then attempting to force them to surrender through extortion or threatening them with the loss of their children is criminal.
    Another dishonest tactic is the glowing way adoption itself is presented: agencies don’t inform about the downside for the children. Not all children do well in adoptive homes and surrendering parents should be informed of that.

  • realmom says:

    Does adoption agencies tell the natural mother how society feels about natural mothers?

    No. If natural moms knew the truth, they would not relinquish. I seriously hope that young women that are considering adoption visit these boards. This is just a taste of the negativity they will suffer for the rest of their lives if they chose adoption.

    Or do agencies only feed the natural mother how she is selfless and doing a great thing?

    That is ALL they feed the mom with. How you are doing a wonderful thing for some couple that “deserves” children but can’t have them. What a loving, selfless thing this is to do. Until you do it, then you are disposed of like garbage. Losing a child to adoption is a lifetime of grief, there should be a lifetime of counseling and services to help mothers get through this agony. Better yet, there should NOT be adoption of newborn infants. It is barbaric, inhumane, and should be criminal.

    Do agencies counsel about how a relinquishing mother will feel?

    It is totally NOT about how the relinquishing mother will feel, it is about how the adopting mother will feel if you change your mind. I was told repeatedly that I would “get over it”. I would have other kids to “replace” this one. The PAP’s couldn’t have more kids. This was IT for them. I felt a debt to total strangers long before I gave birth. The debt of my baby. No one deserves someone elses child just because they can’t have one. But I was convinced of this. The agencies are professionals at delivering this message over and over to young women. I was also called a birth mother in my 3rd month of pregnancy the 1st time the agency came into the picture. The baby was NEVER called mine. The baby was always, every single time, referred to as “THEIRS”.

    What does an agency counsel these women on?

    Giving up their baby. Doing the “right” thing. Adoption is the “loving option”. Adoption is a cure for infertility. Adoptive homes are “better”. And more sickening BS.

    What goes through a natural mothers head? Pity for the adoptive parents? Scared of responsibility? Pressure?

    All of the above. When you continuously hear that strangers are more suitable for your child, and you are in a scary situation, and have professionals telling you this stuff, as a young woman/child, you tend to believe it. They knock your self esteem so low, that you feel more compassion for the strangers that are “better” than your ownself. You feel so unfit in comparison to these strangers on the pedestal that the agency built, that you think your child will truly NOT want you, and you will be doing the child a favor too.

    Why would anybody want to pressure a woman to relinquish?

    It’s all about money to agencies. To AP’s, it is all about getting a baby. AP’s are willing to close their minds to what really happens to natural moms imo, because if they didn’t they would not get a baby! Plus, they would not be able to sleep at night knowing how someone’s spirit was broken in order to make their dream come true. They would rather act as if this coercion doesn’t exist. Demeaning natural parents justifies their adoption. Not all AP’s fit in this category, some are humanitarians and can’t stomach this either. I believe they are the kind who adopt from foster care where it is truly about the needs of children.

  • chris1309 says:

    Adoption is nothing more than baby selling with the birth mothers the equivalent of the poor farmer who gets ripped off by the middle man.

    Just to ensure that the birth mother goes ahead with the transaction the adopters (most of whom think they have an entitlement to someone else’s flesh and blood because wealth = genetic connection in their minds) are encouraged to be in the labour ward so they can claim immediate ownership of the goods.

  • Penny A (Vanessa) says:

    I didn’t go through an agency, the government handles adoptions where I live, and no, they didn’t tell you much at all. They dealt with the formalities and that’s about it. I saw a hospital counsellor once and she told me what I was doing is selfless and a great thing.

    One of my main motivators was pity for adoptive parents, namely ‘these people deserve a baby because they are married and stable, and I don’t because I’m only 16’ I was not fearful of responsibility, but I was fearful of me and my child ending up on the socio-economic scrap heap. People don’t like or respect single mothers – all you have to do is pick up the newspaper and read the letters to the editor – it contains at least one letter from the general public whining about how they leech taxpayers – amongst other things.

    People pressure women to relinquish because family members of the woman are unwilling/unable to support them, they think the woman is too young, couples keep asking you to hand your baby over to them to ‘fix’ their infertility (that happened to me on at least 3 occasions that I can recall), and of course the agencies get big bucks.

    Sarah: Your statement about Australian government trying to keep families together is not entirely true. They are neutral and don’t interfere with the mother’s decision and they also did not enforce mandatory counselling. They didn’t inform me about any emotinal consequences. They might do that now but they certainly didn’t 20 years ago.

  • Serenity71 says:

    I found out months after our first daughter was placed with us that we would have had the phone call a month sooner only they felt “j” and “S” needed more counselling relating to their decision to choose adoption. (I’m not privy to any other details and if I was I wouldn’t be posting them here. ) Its mandatory in Australia these days after all the reforms that have happened in the last 20yrs. No baby is placed for adoption (and this is done after the 30days signing of the relingquisment papers.) under 4 months old and thats considered young, Most are around 8 months old.
    Gosh when I was a teenager it was still frowned upon to be a single mother and that was about 20yrs ago. And my dad would have made it hard if had a baby at 16yrs old.

    As for pity for us as adoptive parents…LOL Society might say things like that but docs tends to focus on the birth families needs and wants NOT ours they are the ones (birth mother) who sets all the conditions of the adoption like the amount of contact, we have no say in it. And they call the adoptive family if letters aren’t recieved in the month. But they don’t do any follow up if its the other way around. And our kids birth mother hasn’t sent anything for over 6 months. But we can’t request her to keep to anything.

  • Lori A says:

    Here’s an answer I posted to my blog about how the general public views first mothers. It is actually a y/a response but I do believe it was deleted. Notice the date. No agency is going to tell a frightened young woman that this is going to be her life no matter how many years go by or how much the industry has changed.

    Public Display of Affection
    Thursday, February 19, 2009
    Although it seems like a million years ago now, I have something that might give you a taste of what it was like to be me, pregnant at the age of 16. I pulled this question off of yahoo answers just a minute ago. I have to admit that there are a lot of people who no longer feel this way toward first mothers, but that has come from the sweat of some very brave peoples backs. It is not easy standing in front of a crowd with this mentality and trying to get them to humanize the producer of their most precious commodity, their child.

    I feel that this is a direct result of industry language. You know, what adoption workers use to make adoptive parents feel superior. But they can not be held unaccountable. They are responsible for their actions just as I was held accountable for mine.

    My disclaimer: To those of you who have adopted and realized that your child had another set of parents before you and that those parents should be treated with as much respect as any other parent, I applaud you, and this post most certainly does not apply to you.

    Here it is. It’s short, but depicts exactly what it is meant to, hatred.

    Enjoy

    Open Question
    Why do you think peeps think that all bm’s are victims?
    on here all birth peeps have an excuse am i the only one that sees

    Nope, I’m with you man. I am sick and tired of their martyr syndrome. Keep your kids and raise them like the rest of us do, they don’t deserve to play the victim role for ducking out of their responsibilities. Then they say the are looked down upon by society….WELL DUH…how precisely do you expect to be treated?Don’t get me started with this crap!By the way…bm also stands for bowel movement, ya know like sh!t…sounds like a pretty good representation to me.Natural mother??? What is natural about birthing a child and abandoning it?
    Source(s):
    Birthmother HATER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    And I have noticed lately that “my words” about if your not a strong woman before surrender you will be after wards are being used in the pro adoption spin right here in y/a. Someone or a few of them are trying to express how THEY KNOW just how difficult it is going to be for them and that they have to face that all on their own. Ummm sorry I’m having trouble believing that you would use THAT PARTICULAR LANGUAGE if you were in fact a surrendering mother. Agencies are very good at what they do and I don’t think any of them would tell a woman giving up her child was going to be hard for them. I think someone has a direct link to an agency in here and may have a few accounts as this same language has been popping up a lot lately.

    There was no counseling for me 36 years ago, and there really isn’t much for surrendering women now a days. I had a mother tell me just a few months ago that the counselor got angry with her because she wasn’t making the positive progress that was in the brochure. The counselors response to the lack of progress by saying “I’ll be back when you feel your ready to make progress.” So you see, if you don’t show the exact progress they expect, you get left in the dust until you are ready to play by their rules. NOTHING HAS CHANGED. They just put a more modern spin on it to make it look like they care, because it is becoming a social issue. their counseling is still slanted by adoption language, and geared toward the wonderful gift. How could it be anything else? If they dealt with real issues surrendering mothers have they would expose themselves to manipulating these women.

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